Men, Call Out Your Friends

It’s time for men to take some responsibility for men.

Every time I post something online asking men to call out other men on shitty behavior, I invariably get multiple responses from seemingly well-intentioned men, claiming that calling out their friends on sexism or misogyny just doesn’t work. This is not directed at anyone specific, this literally happens to me all the time. But I have a response of my own…

First of all, calling people out on their shitty shit is never easy, and in my experience, men rarely react well to it. However.

Women (and queer folks and minorities) are forced to call people out on their bullshit all the damn time, just in order to exist in this world. Most often men. We are often forced to do it over and over and over again, because we don’t have much of a choice. We can speak up, or we can remain silent and uncomfortable and diminished.

Oftentimes, men don’t react well. Often, it takes many attempts, explaining ourselves and our perspective over and over again. Sometimes, eventually, it makes a dent.

This is exhausting work. But again, we don’t have nearly as much of a choice about it. I can be silent when someone questions my rights or, hell, my basic humanity – but obviously, that takes a toll as well. The psychic damage is even greater when I’m surrounded by men, all of whom have more power than me in the situation, who refuse to speak up for me.

Men, you have a choice. When a friend says something fucked up about women/queer people/etc., or treats a woman like shit, you have a choice to call your friend out on their behavior, or to ignore it.

And you know what? You will feel uncomfortable. Your friend may be a jerk about it – your friend in this case sounds like a bit of a jerk, so that shouldn’t come as any great surprise, no? But you also choose to hang out with this person, over and over again, right?

If men won’t take responsibility for educating other men, their own friends who they choose to be around all the time, then who does? Who takes on this burden?

Just guess.

It’s honestly fucked up that men message me with this dilemma*, expecting me to provide some magical solution, when the only solution is persistence and not being a coward about it. Or do you want me to absolve you of the responsibility, because according to you, you tried a few times, and so now you know that calling people out “just doesn’t work”?

You know what, though? It does work. But it takes time, and a shit-ton of energy. It takes many, repeated attempts to even start to shift the narrative for some people. It takes accepting the fact that someone might not like you for a minute, and yes, it may even cause you some embarrassment. Your friend will likely try to emasculate you in the process, because shame is the only tool he knows to wield against you.

Wield that shame right back at him, dudes, because it should be his to carry.

You may actually lose some friends in this process. No one is demanding you end these friendships (I don’t think cutting ourselves off from people should be the first move, but sometimes it is necessary eventually), but you may find that over time, upon repeated questioning of this person’s worldview, you don’t want to be around them anymore. Maybe they don’t want to be around you anymore. Ask yourself: Is the friendship worth preserving if you can’t be honest with them? About something as basic as how we should treat other human beings?

I feel for men living in this world. This is an awful, fucked-up society, and men suffer greatly in the patriarchy, too. But frankly, you are taking on more personal damage by surrounding yourself with men you don’t agree with, and pretending to agree with them. Or you’re just lying to yourself about how much you actually love and respect women.

In the wake of the Me Too movement, one of the biggest questions that arose in my mind was, who is going to take responsibility for all of this? Who is going to teach the men how to act?

The answer, thus far, has largely been women and queer people who are forced to take on the burden. The same way men try to piggy-back on women’s or queer rights movements, or hell, our posts on social media, complaining that we just don’t care about the men, instead of banding together to make their own movements. To figure out their own problems. Again, women and queer people do this all the time.

I believe we all have a duty to speak out when any person denies the basic humanity anyone else, but don’t put that burden solely on women and queer folks. Please. We’ve been doing it our entire lives, and we are tired. Now more than ever, I believe men in particular have a duty to speak up to the men they choose to surround themselves with.

It’s time for men to take some responsibility for men.

I don’t know. It feels simple enough.

*And please don’t message me just to let me know you’ve been calling your friends out on basic shit. You can go get your own cookie.

Header image via Unsplash.