My Favorite F***ing Movie: Shadowboxing with Boys (American Pie)

I’ve been thinking about men a lot lately. I think we all have, whether we want to (we don’t) or not. I would love to de-center men, but they are everywhere, owning and controlling everything, fucking with my life. And yet, I have men in my life that I love dearly. For so many women, there are the men we love, the men we tolerate, and the knowledge that there is so much worse out there. How do we reckon with that?

My Favorite F***ing Movie is a personal exploration of sex through film, released monthly.

The internet tells me how much men hate me.

I measure the intensity of the hate in dick pics, discourse, and angry DMs that have nothing to do with me. The data tells me things are getting worse.

But the internet is a funhouse mirror; it magnifies some things, makes them seem more monstrous or misshapen. It doesn’t mean that the problem isn’t real. But it can make it difficult to understand the true scope of a thing.

The news, when I can stomach it, confirms that many (straight, white) men cannot fucking stand my existence, free as it is. Politicians and celebrities and guys on podcasts all want me making sandwiches, porn, or babies—at least, that’s what they say they want, but there are so many women doing those very things and yet these men have no appreciation for them, either. Like being dissatisfied is the point.

I can turn these men off, mute their voices, but it doesn’t make them disappear. It doesn’t change who else is listening to them.

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